Mentalizing Tool for Couples

Mentalizing is the capacity to stay genuinely curious about what is happening inside your partner rather than being judgmental and certain you already know what they meant, felt, or intended. It sounds simple. Holy smokes, it is not in the middle of a conflict with someone you love, you want to win a battle. So my hope is after taking a time out that involves movement or lifting heavy objects or deep breathing you can come back to this tool and it will help your brain get to curiousity.

This tool has three tabs. The first explains what mentalizing is and what it looks like when it breaks down, which for most of us is exactly when things get hard. The second is a self-assessment to work through after a specific conflict: how certain were you, where was your attention, and a few questions to sit with quietly.

The third is a weekly check-in. Once a week, ideally before our next session, take five minutes to rate how your mentalizing has been: how curious versus certain you were, how well you stayed in contact with your own feelings, how quickly you caught and corrected misreads, and how able you were to slow down when things got hard. The goal is not a high score. It is honesty, and noticing what shifts over time.

Your entries are saved privately on your own device. Nothing is sent to me automatically. If something feels worth sharing, take a screenshot and email it to me before our next session.