How to Balance Disconnection and Presence: A Therapist’s Perspective
Last week, I was in agonizing physical pain. It’s a nerve condition I’ve managed for years with diet and good gum health. (Long story.) But the pain set me on a path of disconnecting from myself because it was just too much to bear. As this week began, I was staring down heavy-duty work deadlines and the overwhelming complexity of what’s going on in the world, coupled with the feelings of powerlessness (I don’t like that feeling so much- you too?). So, I disconnected again. My husband commented last night, “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you in this kind of mental state.”
We were trying to plan our usual Thursday night date, but I could feel it: my body was back in overwhelm. In a bid to cope, my mind had shifted into overdrive, spinning negative stories. Thankfully, my husband responded with the perfect balance of care and curiosity—supportive without making me feel crazy. That kind of attunement is everything when you’re feeling unmoored.
Later, I went to the sauna at my gym—not some fancy spa, just the regular gym sauna in Germany where being naked and sweating it out with strangers feels oddly organic. To my surprise, the guy who usually pours essential oils on the coals also brought sound bowls and invited everyone to meditate. Something about being squished into this cozy, contained, sweaty space, meditating with 20 other naked people, allowed my system to calm. Afterward, I stretched out on a sauna chair and fell asleep listening to Tara Brach’s recent podcast series on Radical Compassion (she has a new book out on the same theme). It turns out that I was also exhausted from care, and worry for the world. By the end of the evening, I felt my body beginning to exhale.
This morning, my husband and I went to couples therapy. What we were deconstructing in our session was how disconnection happens inside of us individually—from ourselves and each other.
What hit home today was this: before you can truly connect with someone else, you must be connected to yourself.
If you are in a couple and you feel disconnected from one another, it is worth paying attention to how disconnected you are from yourself. Because without an awareness of how disconnected you become from yourself, it is doubly hard to connect to another human. And here’s the kicker: most of us spend a significant portion of our day staring at screens in a state of mesmerized disconnection. Our computer work and using smartphones keep us in a task-oriented, “logical” brain state that’s often far removed from our bodies and emotions. Check out Iain McGilchrist’s stuff on this.
Our couples therapist said something a little counterculture: it’s impossible to always be present and undesirable. We need to get sh*t done. But here’s the key—none of us learned how to navigate the transitions between disconnection and presence intentionally. That’s a life skill worth mastering. We are indeed on the side of too much disconnection and not enough presence, which is why mindfulness practices are so en vogue. But the ah-ha for me today was maybe the second part of the missing equation, which is how to navigate the back and forth more skillfully.
I choose to see presence as a practice of fluidity: learning to step out of connection with intention and return to it with grace without making either state “wrong.” I even think our presence comes in degrees rather than all in or all out. What do you think?
Signs You Are Present and Connected to Yourself
You Feel Grounded in Your Body You notice the sensation of your feet on the floor, your breath moving naturally, and a sense of being here, rather than lost in thought.
I love to try to fill my body with imaginary good stuff when I am losing contact with myself. I also love moving my body and seeing if I can feel three-dimensional inside three-dimensional space.
You’re Aware of Your Emotions Without Overwhelm You can name your feelings without drowning in them. Emotions feel like waves you can observe, not tsunamis that pull you under.
One way I observe my emotions is by imaging the part of me feeling that feeling or notice how that feeling also creates a sensation or movement in my body.
Time Slows Down The moment feels spacious. You’re fully engaged in the task or the people around you, rather than rushing or multitasking.
Your Inner Critic Quiets That voice of self-judgment recedes, replaced by a compassionate acceptance of yourself and others.
You Respond Rather Than React Instead of snapping or zoning out, you pause and act from a calm, centered place.
You’re Curious About the World Around You You notice small details—the light through the window, the tone in someone’s voice—and feel engaged with your surroundings.
You Experience Spontaneous Gratitude or Joy Simple things—a kind word, a warm interaction—spark genuine appreciation.
Your Breath Feels Natural and Deep You’re not holding your breath or breathing shallowly. Instead, your body feels at ease.
You’re in Flow You feel at one with what you’re doing, whether it’s a creative project or a meaningful conversation, without feeling like you are floating around outside of yourself or disassociated.
You Feel Inner Alignment Your actions, feelings, and words all match. You’re not pretending or masking but fully integrated.
Why Do We Disconnect from Ourselves?
Protection from Pain: It’s easier to “check out” than sit with discomfort. Disconnection shields us from overwhelming emotions or past traumas. This is what most people claim is 100% the cause of our lack of presence but I don't like that reductiveness. There are more reasons than just pain and trauma.
Overidentification with Roles: We get lost in being “productive” or meeting expectations, neglecting our inner needs. I cannot tell you how many people have an identity that they have to uphold with certain behaviors. Productive is one. Maybe saving is another. Or giving is another. Or fighting for the weak is another. Whatever it is, these roles - with zero judgment about them - pull us out of presence and connection with ourselves.
Fear of Judgment: Social and cultural pressures to conform lead us to suppress parts of ourselves that feel unacceptable. This is so important to name because we often aren't aware of how often we are tracking "How do I need to behave to belong?" over "What is true and alive in me?" This where that people pleaser stuff comes in.
Cultural Conditioning: Modern life prioritizes doing over being, with endless distractions that pull us outward. The threat of losing a job, not having enough money, or the drive toward greed that economics moves us toward can have us feel we are useless and no good unless we are producing.
Avoidance of Complexity: Self-connection requires holding contradictions within ourselves—a skill many of us weren’t taught. I am very very good at holding complexity but often, in our current political climate, holding complexity can feel like a betrayal to a group you belong to. So, being in connection with ourselves can feel like a betrayal to the groups we belong to, and that is quite a paradox to hold in and of itself.
Trauma and Nervous System Dysregulation: Trauma can trap us in survival modes (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), making self-connection feel unsafe. Some folks need survival strategies to make them feel safe, but the consequence is survival strategies often block us from having a deeper connection with ourselves. This is why folks are talking so much about trauma because when we heal trauma, we can be in more connection with ourselves. I think Donald Kalshed said “Trauma is a defense against feeling.” To be present means to feel.
The Need to Control: Being present often involves letting go of control, which can feel unsettling. The stuff about holding complexity, letting go of doing, not being a people pleaser, and survival strategies are all an attempt to control to protect ourselves from what may have felt unbearable.
Overwhelming Stimuli: Constant exposure to news, social media, and notifications can overwhelm our system and make slowing and being present hard to fathom. Will I have to feel what all this news exposure is doing to my system? And if I feel it, what then?
Shame and Self-Criticism: A harsh inner critic makes self-connection feel more like a battleground than a refuge. The hardest thing about being present is when we quiet down we notice the kinds of things we are actually saying to ourselves. Turns out being busy and doing a lot can also be a defense against this inner critic.
Lack of Practice: Many of us weren’t taught how to connect with ourselves and navigate the terrain of intentionally disconnecting, especially in cultures that value productivity over presence.
How to Navigate Disconnection and Return to Presence
Practice Radical Acceptance: Remind yourself that disconnection is normal and doesn’t make you “bad.” My least favorite thing about articles on presence is it subtly glorifies presence as THE right way to be. I find that to be shaming and unhelpful to frame presence as the right state. We can't be present all the time. But it sure could help us to be more conscious of presence as something to attend to just like we can't get enough sleep all the time but our sleep is something worth attending to. I don't know about you, but not getting enough sleep is not so great. And me not having enough presence is also not great.
Name Your State: Pause and ask, “Am I present right now?” Just naming your state can be enough to shift it. I also like to simply ask, "What parts of my body can I feel, and what parts of my body do I have no feeling in?" This question is always nonjudgmental, and I have a good chuckle at myself at how much I am not feeling and a little glee when I start to feel something again.
Use Your Breath: Take a few deep, intentional breaths to ground yourself in the present moment. I cannot tell you how often I forget this and how much of an eye-roll I sometimes have at people always recommending breathing, but you do it three times a day deep into your belly like your belly, and the diaphragm is what pulls your breath in. Holy shitballs, it makes a difference.
Engage Your Senses: Notice what you can see, hear, feel, taste, and smell around you. I have plant babies, about twenty, on the back side of my computer screen and I surround myself with glorious art. I love art. And I wear a lot of fuzzy, cozy, brightly colored stuff. This is all presencing sensory stuff, for me.
Take Micro-Breaks: Step away from the screen, stretch, or take a short walk to reset your nervous system. When I get to writing and creating, I can turn into a machine. So I do calendar taking walks; otherwise, I forget to take these breaks.
Practice Self-Compassion: Generate a caring feeling toward yourself even while you might need to be doing a lot. Turning up the volume on compassion for the pain of how we leave ourselves sometimes for our work, already brings us into more connection.
Create Rituals: Use small rituals—lighting a candle, meditating, or even a daily walk—to help you move between doing and being states. My ritual is my quiet coffee in the morning before pouncing onto my task list, as my grandmother used to say, "like a bat outta hell." Morning coffee, looking out the window, and listening to music count as a ritual.
Find Your Community: Surround yourself with people who support your practice of presence and reflect on your efforts to connect. Honestly, what did the trick in bringing me back was four phone calls and a hug. It is wild how the relational presence of another brings us back into contact with ourselves. And, oh, by the way, they weren't navel-gazing self-analysis convos. They were funny convos about baking, about the world, about solutions but always in a place of calm acceptance of what is.
Practice Gratitude: End each day by noting a few things you’re grateful for—it fosters a sense of presence and connection. You saw me say in another post that I write love letters to myself at the end of the day and leave them on my desk.
Seek Support: Therapy or mindfulness groups can provide tools for navigating disconnection and cultivating presence. I am a Tara Brach lover and listen to her every Sunday to ground for the week. But being in groups of people who are practicing being more present at the same time, just delicious and so impactful.
Transition Intentionally: Before diving into a task, take a moment to acknowledge where you are emotionally. When stepping out of work mode, consciously “switch off” by shaking out your body or journaling. I am a weirdo, I come upstairs from work and dance around the house really goofily, and my sons think I am totally nuts. But hey, it works, and I make my teenagers cringe. A twofer in my book.
This is just the beginning. In Part Two, I’ll explore what happens when disconnection happens between me and you - in our relationships - and how to rebuild presence with others. For now, how might you experiment with being more intentional in your transitions between “doing” and “being”? What helps you stay connected to yourself—and what pulls you away? How do you shame yourself if you haven't been present? What could you do other than shame yourself? Let’s start there.