Feeling Overwhelmed by Tragedy? Understanding Shock Trauma and Bystander Guilt
I feel global tragedies deeply in my body. My system often becomes quiet and grounded in an odd, tender way, allowing the best parts of my heart to come forward. “Weltschmerz,” a German word that means world grief, slows my nervous system, and I am a fantastic relator when my system is slow. So when the world gets tragic, my grace and empathy go way up (so do my tears, but that is ok with me). It has kind of always been like this for me. I am careful not to move out of that graceful place and get my nerves revved into rescuing reactive Rita or disassociating and toxically positive Patty. I took a minute to ensure Rita wasn’t writing this article from a reactive rescuing place. Nope. She isn’t here. I just felt called to write from care and grace. Take it as you will.
When tragedy strikes—like losing a home to fire or witnessing devastation from afar—it’s natural for emotions to run high and our nerves to be frayed beyond capacity. You are not alone.
Feeling more emotional about tragedies closer to home or people we identify with is not a failure of empathy; it is how our neurobiology is wired. Politicizing suffering is not my favorite part of what social media has done to us. It has caused us to lose our capacity to become healers of trauma and instead incentivized us to be amplifiers of trauma. I hope this post is a healing offer. It is heartfelt and genuine. Southern California is my place of birth, so, naturally, this one hits a little differently than other recent tragedies. At the same time, I have made an effort to widen my circle of embrace, and these fires have brought up my compassion for war, famine, floods, terrorism, and other pains of the past several years. Maybe that is why my “Weltschmertz” or world grief is so high. And yet, my focus is always on attending the crisis first, the shock trauma, and the other stuff later. I hope we can stay resolute in that order of things because that, to me, is human grace.
“The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self and the inability to be in the present moment. Post-traumatic stress happens when there isn’t enough holding and connection after the event.”
Shock trauma is the body and brain’s natural response to an overwhelming or terrifying event. Shock trauma does not turn into PTSD when it is attended to with care. Here are some ways to support yourself after a shocking event.
10 Ways to Support Yourself After Shock Trauma
1. Rebuild a Sense of Safety
Shock trauma can leave us feeling untethered. Creating small pockets of safety in your environment—like leaning into routines or connecting with trusted people—can help ground you. Ask yourself, What routine can I follow every day while everything else is chaotic that starts to make my system feel safe over time?
2. Find Grounding Practices
The present moment can feel far away after trauma - let that be ok. Grounding through your senses can help you recalibrate and aid in your healing. Maybe it’s noticing the texture of your coffee mug, the sound of birds, regular hugs and snuggles with loved ones or paying attention to the way your feet or butt feet are resting on solid ground. Small acts like these gently remind your nervous system: You are here.
3. Listen to Your Body
Trauma isn’t just in your mind; it’s in your body, too. Gentle movements—like yoga, walking, or mindful stretching—can help release tension. You don’t need to force anything; even sitting with awareness of your breath is enough. I often place hands on spots in my body that I can hear, saying, “I need some care.” Trauma expert Peter Levine says, “Grounding ourselves in the present through movement, breath, or touch can help discharge the energy of trauma and reconnect us to safety.”
4. Let Rhythm Soothe You
Rhythmic activities like walking, swaying, or drumming are powerful tools for calming the nervous system. Indigenous traditions and neuroscience both teach us that rhythm helps us process grief and connect to ourselves and others. I have a lot of shock trauma left over in my system from infancy, so I am great at rocking out. It's not the heavy metal kind; it's more of the rocking chair kind. Dr. Bruce Perry who co wrote the recent book with Oprah called What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing says rhythmic stuff balances our nerves after a shock. Here is a song I particularly like that has some rhythm and nature sounds.
“Patterned, repetitive, rhythmic activity is key to calming the stress-response systems and promoting healing in the brain. Rocking, drumming, and walking can all provide the patterned input needed to restore balance.”
5. Allow Your Emotions to Be Seen
Big emotions—or even numbness—might surface after trauma. Instead of pushing them away, consider naming them gently: “There you are, fear” or “Hello, sadness.” This isn’t about fixing; it’s about being with what’s here. Dr. Dan Siegel, a prominent psychiatrist and interpersonal neurobiologist from UCLA, is widely credited for the phrase:
“Name it to tame it.” Just naming your feelings makes an impact.
6. Hold Space for Connection
Trauma can feel isolating, but connection can be healing. Reaching out to someone you trust or simply sitting with a friend can remind you that you’re not alone. You don’t need to have the “right” words; being present is enough. Don’t forget that pets are incredibly supportive sources of connection.
7. Notice Small Signs of Resilience
Resilience often looks like tiny moments—a breath that feels easier, a choice that feels intentional, or a brief spark of hope. Let these moments remind you that your strength is quietly showing up. Deb Dana coined the term glimmers in her trauma work.
“Glimmers are those micro-moments that spark a sense of safety and connection, reminding us that even in challenging times, cues of safety are present if we attune to them.”
8. Release Guilt or Shame
It’s common to feel ashamed of how you’re reacting. What would it be like to meet guilt with self-compassion if guilt arises? I like to tell my guilt “Thank you. I know you are trying to protect me. And we have nothing to feel bad about and I love you so much.” You’re doing the best you can in extraordinary circumstances.
9. Create Meaningful Rituals
Rituals can help mark transitions and offer closure. Lighting a candle, writing a letter, or creating a simple ceremony like a cup of tea at the same time every night might provide comfort. Rituals don’t have to be elaborate; they just need to feel meaningful to you. My vulnerable daily ritual? I write a love note to tender parts of myself every night and leave it on my desk for the following day. Here is a photo of this morning’s on my desk. My teen sons think it is a little weird but I don’t care. One day, then years from now, I hope they start writing love notes to themselves too.
10. Seek Professional Support
Processing trauma doesn’t have to be a solo journey. Therapies like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, or trauma-informed counseling can provide tools to integrate what you’ve experienced gently. Reaching out is a sign of strength. Shock trauma does not always need therapy to heal. We were made to heal, after all. But shock trauma always needs safety, care and connection; if those are in short supply, reaching out is a very good thing to do.
Bystanders: Feeling the Ripple Effects
Even if the tragedy didn’t directly impact you, your nervous system might still respond. This is especially true if you’ve been watching from afar, feeling helpless, or grappling with what’s often called "bystander guilt."
Why Does Bystander Guilt Show Up?
Humans are wired for empathy, so witnessing others’ pain can stir feelings of guilt for being safe. You might wonder, Why them and not me? This guilt isn’t something to suppress or solve; it’s part of our deep connection to each other.
How to Hold Bystander Guilt
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Bystander guilt doesn’t mean you’re selfish or dramatic. It’s a reflection of your care for others. Naming the guilt gently might create some space to breathe. It can help to put a hand on your heart and thank the part of you that cares so much.
Engage Mindfully: Small actions—like donating to organizations, sending messages of support, or simply bearing witness—can channel your empathy into meaningful connection.
Honor Your Limits: It’s okay to feel deeply and to take breaks from consuming devastating news. Rest doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring; it’s what allows you to care sustainably. I can tell I have moved out of sustainability inside my system when rescuing Rita or toxically positive Patty takes over. Other characters in my system that get out of hand are activist Anne and blaming Bert. Go for grace and slow clarity. It will steer you in a better direction.
A Deeper Perspective on Empathy
Bystander guilt often arises because our empathy ties us to others’ pain, even from a distance. This connection is beautiful but can also be heavy. What would it look like to balance compassion for others with compassion for yourself? Allowing yourself to rest, grieve, or simply be present is an act of care—for you and everyone suffering this tragedy right now. Your feelings, actions, and limits are all valid parts of being human.
A Gentle Reminder
Shock trauma and its ripple effects take time to process, whether you’re directly affected or holding space as a bystander. There’s no “right” way to navigate this—only ways that honor your humanity and the humanity of others. These ten things I offer here in this blog post are useful tools to help yourself right now and you may have many wise others too. Wherever you are in this process, you’re not alone. Compassion can create the path forward for yourself and those around you. I love you.
As always, thank you for taking care of your heart.