How Do I Get My Partner to Go to Couples Therapy With Me?
Seriously, this is the most often asked question I receive. Years ago, I tried to get my own husband to go with me to couples therapy, and he was apprehensive. We did go for a period of time right before we had kids, and he liked it a lot more than he expected. The therapist had a broad view of how we related to each other instead of finding fault with what either of us was doing, which felt reassuring. After each session, we always felt more alive and connected, rather than at odds with one another.
More recently, after moving to Germany, we hit some cross-cultural bumps and dealt with parenting issues. I have been urging us to go to therapy again. Initially, he didn't want to, so I asked him why. The conversation that followed was incredibly sweet, and my heart goes out to him. I need to thank my husband for some of these insights.
There Are 3 Assumptions Partners Make About Couples Therapy That Stop Them From Wanting to Go
Assumption 1: Going to Couples Therapy Means the Relationship is Over
Does needing couples therapy mean there's something deeply wrong with our relationship? Does going to couples therapy mean we are going to break up?
I cannot tell you how many people delay coming to couples therapy because of this bizarre belief that it signals the end. Perhaps in the past, it did often mean the end. For some couples, they wait TOO DAMN long to start learning the skills of relating and what beliefs and expecations each person is bringing into the relationship.Here's how I see couples therapy, best explained in this old but great video here.
Our expectations of marriage have changed dramatically in a relatively short time. We now expect a fairytale romance to last forever while also being equal co-parents, both hustling to earn money to support a complex and much bigger lifestyle, and maintaining high potency sexual desire and close friendship. Never before in history have we expected this much from marriage, so where would we have learned how to navigate such relationships? The answer is, NO WHERE!
The structure of long-term relationships is changing even faster. Is getting married even necessary? Is monogamy essential? Will we share finances or keep them separate? Will we be open or polyamorous and have other lovers and sexual partners? Will we have primary partners? Is this a relationship of duty and having children, or do we want big love and pleasure?
Amidst all this, we are bombarded with propaganda on TV suggesting that love is easy, romantic, and perpetually filled with rainbows and butterflies, with little conflict or communication needed. Research even suggests that the more "fairytale" TV you watch, the more dissatisfied you might become in your good relationship and the less willing you might be to put in the effort to make it thrive. (Read about Jeremy Osborn’s work here.) Thank goodness for more honest shows like "Friday Night Lights," "This is Us," "Black-ish," "Julie and Julia," "Master of None," "Mad About You," "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," "Stuck in Love," "When Harry Met Sally," "Queen Sugar," and the list goes on. If you haven't watched the Showtime show "Couples Therapy," do so. You can purchase it as a one-off from streamers. It features very diverse couples working with a very skilled analyst.
I do think people often wait too long to seek help. Too often, couples come into therapy after issues have been festering and the wound is raw. Don't do that. As a couples therapist, I recommend coming early and often, and continuing at least once a year after that to stay on top of your relationship's well-being. Couples who wait until their relationship is on life support give therapy a bad name. Can you imagine waiting to eat well, exercise, and sleep until after you are on a life support machine? That’s kind of nuts.
I cannot tell you how many couples have come to see me two years into their marriage, embarrassed. I tell them, "Are you kidding me? You are my dream couple. If others came in as early as you, therapy would not feel like the end of the road."
Assumption 2: I Will Be Ganged Up On and Blamed
Will this conversation turn into a "gang up on me" power struggle? For men especially, and yes, I know I'm painting with a broad brush, but I've been at this for over twenty years, and what they have told me is they don’t feel on equal footing in a therapy room. Why? The current cultural narrative calling out men for their blind spots doesn’t always create a space where they can bravely open their hearts and examine their emotions. Most places they go, they experience being blamed and criticized for being male. I am so over every man on the planet being called a narcissist. This is really en vogue right now in couples therapy land and I am not here for it. Only 2% of the population has Narcissitic Personality Disorder. What 99% of us have are narcissitic traits on a continuum and then tend to get triggered in relationship. Thanks for listening to my side rant.
Do I have the skills? Another issue is that a partner might come to couples therapy feeling disempowered because their background didn’t afford them much emotional intelligence training, or they had childhood trauma, making them feel like the "more messed up person" in every interaction. Here's the thing: I can't deny that some people do, in fact, have fewer skills in relating and emotional regulation. But accepting this is possible without feeling disempowered. I have learned a lot from the disability rights movement on this one. Yes, a person can accept they use a wheelchair and need accommodations while demanding these accommodations to live a powerful life - not as someone dismepowered. The minute you name it, own it, and work with it is the minute you take back your power.
Often, for those who had a hard childhood, whose families never talked about feelings, or who experienced poverty or a gender culture that shunned vulnerability, some partners are "weaponizing" psychology to shame them for not having their act together. I promise you, I won’t shame you. I will help you tell the truth with boldness that helps you step into power. It may mean you will need some individual therapy to develop some emotional intelligence skills on your own.
It is empowering to learn how to feel a feeling, use a feeling, hear someone else’s feelings, express your needs, and manage vulnerability. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. It is time.
Assumption 3: Shame That I Suck as a Person or Partner
Look, shame is the feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing. Many psychological defense mechanisms—being brash, sarcastic, uber-successful, a growth hacker, distancing from closeness or even a mindfulness nut—can all be attempts at keeping shame hidden. Shame is the worst feeling; to feel worthless is a kind of death, so only the courageous dig in and uproot this bugger. For some people, shame pops up only in certain relationships or contexts.
Our romantic partnerships are a ripe shame-inducing context that can bring up old childhood shame we may not even know about. Why? Because attachment to a romantic partner is a biological drive, which means this relationship, unlike any other, lights up old survival parts of your brain that no other relationship does. Some might call this shame response complex trauma or relational trauma. For many, whatever is there feels so intense they are kind of terrified to even approach it. And oh, by the way, sometimes this shame is really unconscious. It’s not like you can to your partner and say, “I read this article on Traci Ruble’s website and the reason you don’t want to go to couples therapy is because you have shame and childhood trauma.” What shame likes least is feeling less than, or one down, or invaded and that comment is a one-down producing comment.
How To Get Your Partner To Come To Therapy
1. Get Clear With Yourself
Be honest about your expectations for couples therapy and do some inner work. Couples therapy is about learning to take care of your relationship. If you're using it as a weapon—telling your partner, "come to couples therapy or else"—it’s no wonder they don’t want to go. Rebrand couples therapy as "I need to learn the skills to relate to this human that I love."
It's common to think your partner is the problem and use couples therapy to prove it. Approaching your partner with that attitude will likely result in resistance. To help you get clear with yourself, here are some inner work exercises to journal about:
Inner Work 1:
Make a list of all the things about you that are not easy to live with. Then write down next to each one why those things might be particularly challenging for your partner, knowing what you know about them.
Inner Work 2:
What made your relationship so good in the beginning? What behaviors did you both engage in when it was really good? Which of those behaviors are you still engaging in? Which behaviors are you no longer engaging in? What has replaced the good behaviors that have gone away? What prevents you from starting up those good behaviors again?
Inner Work 3:
When things are not going well between you, what negative stories do you tell yourself about your partner and the relationship in general? What positive stories do you tell? Write down five alternative but plausible stories that could also be true when things are not going well.
Inner Work 4:
Where does your behavior invite the very behavior from your partner that you least want? And where does their behavior invite the behavior from you they least want? What stops you from making the first move and changing your behavior?
Inner Work 5:
What do you believe are the signs of a healthy relationship? What do you believe are the signs of an unhealthy relationship? Where did you learn that?
Inner Work 6:
How often do you take the time to look your partner in the face from the eyes of love and appreciation? How often are you looking at your partner from the eyes of judgment and anger? What stops you from taking the time to just gaze into their eyes with love more often?
2. Show a Desire Learn To Love Them Better
Couples therapy is about learning to take care of your relationship. If you are weaponizing couples therapy—telling your partner, "come to couples therapy or else"—they are unlikely to want to go.
A great way to position your invitation to come to couples therapy with you is to say: “Look, I want to feel more connected to you, and I lack the tools and skills I need to get close to you. I have been trying different things, but nothing seems to work. I love you, and I know this has been hard. I don’t think it has to be like this. Would you be willing to see a couples therapist with me to learn how to care for one another better?”
If that doesn’t work, ask questions.
Ask your partner lots and lots of questions. Here are some possibilities. Pick and choose the ones you like. The most important thing is to stop trying to convince them.
When your partner answers a question, make sure you listen really well:
Repeat what you heard them say
Check with them if you understood them correctly
Validate their feelings and experience “I can see how that would cause you to feel____.”
Ask a follow-up question or one of the other questions from the list below.
List of Questions to Ask Your Partner:
What does a good relationship mean to you?
What do you think a good relationship means to me?
What is going well and not going well in our relationship from your point of view?
How do you think couples grow together instead of apart in a relationship?
What gets in the way of you and me getting closer?
What do you think we could each do to improve our relationship?
What makes you apprehensive about opening up to me and getting closer?
What are the reasons you don’t want to invest in couples therapy?
What would make you want to invest in something like couples therapy?
3. Go Do Relationship Therapy on Your Own
As a couples therapist, going to individual therapy to work on your relationship is not a bad idea. But here is the scoop: usually, you are not an accurate reporter of what is happening in your relationship. Your individual therapist only hears your side of the story. Now, I am going to boldly claim something that is a skill of mine and any therapist who works with many couples and individuals. I have found that therapists who see a lot of couples do a better job challenging you about your contributions to your relationship’s problems. I have had the experience of individual therapists taking their individual client’s side in ways that undermine a couple’s relationship. I may get backlash for saying this, but it must be said. Be mindful when choosing. Find an individual therapist who sees a lot of couples in their practice, too. I was reading some psychoanalytic literature on the matter, and individual therapists can unconsciously become surrogate emotional partners to their clients and undermine the couple.
If you came to me and told me, “I want to work on my marriage,” I am going to challenge you about what you are doing in your relationship - not join you in a complain fest about your partner - well, a little complaining is legit - but I think you get my point. I challenge my individual clients to take ownership of how they show up in the relationship. This doesn’t mean I talk people into staying in harmful situations they don’t want to be in, but when a client complains endlessly about their partner, we make sense of what is getting triggered and what agency they have to make changes. Moreover, I often have a partner come in as a one-off to “support” the work I do with you one-on-one. That gives them a first taste of couples therapy and some confidence.
And yes, tell your partner you are going to individual therapy to work on the relationship. Say, “I am struggling with how to feel closer to you. I feel lost. I hear that it feels nerve-wracking for you to come to therapy with me, so I am going to go to therapy alone with the desire to work on our relationship.”
4. Take An Online Workshop Or Buy A Couples Workbook
Other alternatives could be taking an online workshop together or finding a good couples workbook to work through together. Little plug here: I will have an SMS course and workbook coming out soon.
Remember, couples therapy is not about finding fault or assigning blame; it’s about learning the skills to nurture and sustain a loving relationship. By approaching the idea with openness and a genuine desire to grow together, you can create a safe space for you and your partner to explore your relationship dynamics. Whether you start with therapy together or take the initiative to work on yourself first, the goal is to build a stronger, more connected partnership. Your relationship is worth the effort, and you can navigate this journey together with the right tools and mindset.