Three Things Most People Get Wrong About Boundaries

Alright, let's face it: boundaries can be tricky. Maybe you, like me, sometimes struggle with setting them. Judging by my Instagram engagement, boundaries are a common sticking point for many of us. I was raised to be "nice," which sounds lovely until you realize "nice" often translates to "over-giving." And guess what? That leads to resentment. Being kind, on the other hand, means giving what you can, saying "no" when you can't, and effectively meeting your own needs.

First, let's give a shoutout to Juliane Taylor Shore. Her book, Setting Boundaries that Stick, is revolutionary. One of my core values is giving props to those who teach me valuable stuff. Julianne's book confirmed what my gut already knew but couldn't articulate. And honestly, many other "experts" miss this crucial point: boundaries are both internal and external.

So, what are boundaries for anyway? 

Prentis Hemphill’s now-famous quote says it best: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Boundaries are necessary because they allow us to come together, be connected, and adjust to our connection from moment to moment to be in harmony.

However, many of us bypass knowing what boundaries to set, relying instead on social norms or moral codes to avoid feeling what we need and making requests. Boundaries feel confrontational for a lot of people for many reasons: sometimes due to social norms and gender training, sometimes because of relational trauma in our early lives, and sometimes simply from a lack of skill—or all of the above.

Boundaries are a prerequisite to juicy connection.

Without boundaries, we're a big ball of undifferentiated “we,” like all the Play-Doh colors mixed together so much that you don’t have a rainbow anymore to make cool stuff with. Other times, we avoid contact with each other, keeping the Play-Doh color intact but only playing with one color at a time. (By the way, I have no idea why Play-Doh came up right now, but I hope it’s a useful metaphor.)

So, what are the three things most people get wrong about boundaries?

1. Boundaries are Not Limits; They are Actions You Take When Limits Have Not Been Honored

We often mix up boundaries with needs, limits, or requests. Spoiler alert: boundaries are not needs, limits or requests. Do I need to say that again? Boundaries are NOT needs, limits, or requests. Boundaries ARE responsible “boundaried action” you will take when limits have not been honored.

Let's cut ourselves some slack here—taking responsible boundaried action can feel scary. Our inner child freaks out at the thought of someone getting mad at us, thinking we are a jerk for having limits, or worse we think our boundaries actually harm people. We fear pushback like it's the apocalypse. Feeling terrified of conflict or pushback is often old emotional baggage. It's a belief we developed as kids that pushback or conflict equals danger or abuse. Spoiler: it doesn’t anymore, even if it did then but your body and mind may not know that yet. We can work with our nervous systems to distinguish between discomfort and actual danger.

One thing I love about boundaries expert Randi Buckley is her no-nonsense approach to pushback: “Expect pushback. Normalize it. Don’t make it a big deal.” No one likes hearing "no," but the more your normalize pushback as no big thing, the smoother things will go. If you start thinking, "That person is difficult for pushing back," or worse, "I'm wrong for taking boundaried action," you're back in old childhood material again. It might take some therapy, but it's worth it for a juicy connection.

2. You Need Internal Boundaries Before You Can Set External Boundaries

The second thing people get wrong about boundaries is that they are outside actions only. The real story is that we must first learn internal boundaries before setting external ones. What the heck? OK, I’ll explain to you. For years, I told clients, “Look, when you are deeply in touch with what hurts you and can turn back toward yourself to comfort those hurt parts, that is a powerful demarcation of where you end and the other person begins.” I was teaching clients an aspect of internal boundaries. I encourage every one of my clients to buy Juliane’s book to get the full step-by-step instructions.

In my San Francisco office, I had this carpet with a big circle on it. I would invite clients to stand up and notice what it was like to stand in the middle of that carpet circle, or that YOU SPACE, I called it. Everything happening outside that YOU SPACE, I reminded them, is connected to you, but you are also separate from it. It's the M-we interdependence stuff Dan Siegel talks about. Juliane reminds us that we can discern what to let inside that circle and what not to let inside that circle.

We would play around with that carpet circle and experiment. How often do you stand on the edge of the circle, looking to the outside world to make you feel okay? Or how often do you stand right on the edge of that circle, trying to make everyone else feel ok by caretaking everyone else but yourself? We do pick up energy; we are all connected. But we can work with those energies by sending lots of self-compassion to ourselves and stay inside of those internal boundaries or that YOU SPACE circle. When we do, we are more centered, regulated humans who can discern what “boundaried action” we need to take to protect our connection to others and ourselves.

Other times, clients and I would create a cozy pile of pillows in my office (I had twenty) and cover them in a way that felt so cozy and protective. These pillows represented the same YOU SPACE and internal boundary as the circle on the carpet. It was a double win because the body loves the feeling the heft of pillows and the experience of taking up more space as they grew larger with the pillows. Juliane has some similar exercises in her book.

Suppose you don’t have a protective imaginary circle YOU SPACE like this when you interact with people? Then you are just an exposed nerve. How can you feel who you are and what you need and take care of yourself if you don’t have an internal boundary—a comforting and protective swaddle? When you have an internal boundary, you can connect more deeply with others because you are protected and deeply connected with yourself. If there is "no self inside of you" connection with others is mighty hard.

3. Boundaried Action is Not Reactive Action

You might disagree with me, but I’m open to discussion. However, as I see it, “boundaried action” is thoughtful and intentional. It is designed to protect healthy connections to ourselves and to one another. Reactive action, on the other hand, is automatic and primarily designed to keep us alive, not to protect connections. I think of “boundaried action” as premeditated, whereas reactive action is instinctual.

Why is this important? When I work with couples—two people who genuinely want to love each other better—they often feel justified in taking reactive action and confuse that with a healthy boundary. If your partner is putting you in mortal danger, thank the stars for reactive action. Fight, flight, and freeze were made for this. But often, we perceive mortal threats with our partners when there are none, which makes it hard to feel safe and connected to each other.

Attachment is a drive to stay close to caregivers for survival when we were young, and attachment patterns are behaviors we engaged in repeatedly in those early attachment relationships. Little kids needed something in their brains to keep them close to caregivers so they don’t get eaten by wild animals when we lived in the wild.  Many couples I see have attachment injuries, which partly led them to therapy. So, a partner asking you to put your socks in the hamper can feel like a threat. A partner being late to a dinner reservation can feel like a threat. A partner not responding in the exact manner you expect can feel like a threat. And your response to that threat is reactive rather than boundaried. Boundaried action is about preserving connection to ourselves and the other person simultaneously. Reactive action has no interest in connection; it just wants to survive, connection be damned. Moving from reactive to boundaried action is such an important life skill for all of us and especially couples.

At the end of the day, understanding and implementing boundaries is a practice we are all working on. Me too. It requires a shift in mindset from seeing boundaries as limits, needs or requests to actions we take- boundaried action. Remember, boundaries are a prerequisite for connection and love - not a punishment. Whether differentiating between needs and boundaried action, cultivating internal boundaries, or distinguishing between reaction and boundaries, these principles are essential for healthier relationships and personal well-being. Boundaries are necessary for juicy connections with those around us and with ourselves. So, embrace the discomfort, expect the pushback, and keep practicing. Your relationships will thank you.