Is Therapy-Speak Ruining Our Relationships With One Another?

I’ve seen the transformative power of therapy and personal growth firsthand - as the therapist and client. I’ve also seen how ‘therapy-speak’ can backfire. When I began my training twenty-three years ago, I’d already been in therapy for seven years. I thought I had a decent handle on myself, but graduate school added a new layer. Learning theories and frameworks gave me some excited relief at the idea I could control feelings and a heady sense of superiority. It felt like I had the language to fix myself and others, and could now finally control relationships and life so I would never have to suffer again. But looking back, this 'therapy-speak' was more about avoiding uncertainty than genuinely connecting. When I started interning twenty-one years ago, I had to learn to knock this shit off because treating my clients with this holier-than-thou perspective was an abuse of power. This was “my stuff” or “my trauma” that still needed therapy and supervision. So what is it, this therapy-speak crapola we see everywhere? Let me take a diplomatic crack at unfolding what I think it could be about.

Looking back, I can see my love affair of espousing frameworks for healing for what it was: a defense mechanism. My confidence wasn’t rooted in integration or genuinely loving myself, the messiness of life, and trusting my capacity to deal with whatever life threw at me. My confidence and dare-I-say arrogance came from clinging to these frameworks to ward off uncertainty. I was using therapy knowledge to create a sense of safety (not a bad thing), but it was on fragile footing. Today I use therapy to feel free from old patterns and live whole and alive. Therapy, at its best, isn’t about certainty or control. It’s about learning to swim with the sharks of upheaval, staying values-aligned even when the waters get rough. I agree with the Buddhists; there is one guarantee in life. We will suffer.

The tools we learn in therapy—like boundaries, talking about our feelings, identifying our values, and understanding the impact of early relationships on our behavior patterns—are meant to free us. They’re there to help us become more vital, whole, and adaptable humans who can move beyond outgrown behavior patterns.

It’s also important to acknowledge how trauma can play into this dynamic. Trauma can leave us with a nervous system that is primed for hypervigilance—constantly scanning for threats and seeking safety. This can lead to a deep craving for certainty. Frameworks and rules in therapy offer the comfort of predictability and order, which can soothe an over-activated nervous system. While this is a natural response, it’s important to remember that true healing comes from developing the capacity to sit with uncertainty, not to eliminate it entirely.

When people come into therapy, one of two things often happens:

1. Their relationships improve. They grow more authentic, and their connections deepen as they begin to communicate more openly and understand themselves better.

2. They start speaking in 'therapy-speak.' Concepts like boundaries, mindfulness, and communication become tools for control or judgment rather than connection. They might impose their therapeutic 'rules' onto others in ways that feel alienating or condescending, unintentionally creating distance in their relationships. (I was utterly insufferable when I was studying to be a therapist. I apologize posthaste to friends and family now.)

Why Do People Use Therapy-speak or Personal Growth as a Defense Mechanism?

It’s ironic, but the very tools meant to foster growth and healing can sometimes be misused, creating more problems and giving therapy a bad name in the process. Here’s how 'therapy-speak' can become a shield for the therapy goer:

1. Avoiding Vulnerability

Learning the “rules” of therapy or personal growth can feel like protection from the messiness of human emotions and the messiness of relating to other messy humans. Instead of risking vulnerability, they might intellectualize their struggles or rely on frameworks to explain—and contain—their feelings.

2. Needing Certainty

Life is unpredictable, and frameworks provide a sense of order. Here is the rub, though. A rigid adherence to rules can create the illusion of control, especially for those who feel overwhelmed by the ambiguity or chaos of living. This is especially true for those with trauma histories, as their nervous systems might equate unpredictability with danger.

3. Moral Superiority

Mastering therapeutic language or growth models can feel like holding the moral high ground. Phrases like, “I’m setting boundaries” or “I’ve done the work” can become weapons of judgment, subtly (or not-so-subtly) implying that others are less evolved. Some therapists love to get off on saying “I am a therapist”. “Oh, Lawdy,” do I confront my ego around that little turn of phrase. I am proud to be a therapist but there is a fine line between pride and superiority.

4. Bypassing Pain

Instead of sitting with uncomfortable emotions like grief, anger, or shame, some people use tools like mindfulness or gratitude as escape routes. This is sometimes called “spiritual bypassing,” and it’s just as common in the personal growth, 12-step, and therapy world as it is in spiritual circles. We can bliss out on our framework to avoid accepting that we are gardeners and gardeners get muddy hands, don’t control the wind, and sometimes get snails.

5. Identity Overreach

A new identity—“recovering addict,” “trauma survivor,” “conscious person” or “therapist”—can feel empowering but also limiting. When someone over-identifies with their therapeutic persona, they risk losing the complexity and fluidity of who they are.

How to Untangle the Defense Mechanism of Therapy-speak

For those who find themselves or their loved ones caught in this pattern, here are some steps to help loosen the grip:

For the Therapy-Goer:

1. Notice Rigidity: Are you applying your tools flexibly, or are they starting to feel like laws?

2. Engage with Vulnerability: Therapy isn’t just about understanding; it’s about feeling. Ask yourself: What emotions am I avoiding by getting really heady about this model?

3. Seek Integration: Growth is about wholeness. Can you be both boundaried and empathetic? Both self-aware and spontaneous? Both emotional and rational?

4. Stay Curious: If you find yourself judging others, pause and reflect. What about their behavior triggers you? What sensations or movements do you notice yourself making? Is it possible they’re grappling with something similar to what you’ve worked through?

For the Friend or Loved One:

Having a new therapy-goer in your life can bring up unexpected feelings and triggers. I  find it helpful to reflect on what might be stirring within you. Here are some common triggers and how you can respond:

1. Feeling Left Behind: Their growth might make you feel like you’re not doing enough in your own life. You might think, "Am I supposed to change, too?"

   • How to Respond: Acknowledge these feelings without judgment. Remind yourself that your journey is your own and doesn’t need to mirror theirs. I am a big fan of sweet-talking yourself when you are using “compare and despair” with yourself.

2. Feeling Judged: Their new language or behaviors might come across as dismissive or superior, making you feel inadequate.

   • How to Respond: You could soothe these assumptions or check them out.  If they are obvious statements of judgment you could gently express your feelings.  This is when I do use a model like Non Violent Communication (NVC) but remember even NVC can get rigid if your heart isn't in the right place.  So get open-hearted first, and then, using the NVC model, you might say, "When I hear you say that, I feel judged because I value being seen for who I am. Can we talk about this?".  

3. Old Wounds Resurfacing: Their focus on boundaries or past traumas might remind you of unresolved pain or patterns in your own life.

   • How to Respond: Notice if their behavior triggers something personal. Consider if this is an opportunity for self-reflection and healing. Sometimes a friend’s growth is good incentive to get on into therapy for yourself or, if you already are, you have some new topics to explore.

4. Frustration with Their Rigidity: If they become overly prescriptive, it can feel like the relationship dynamic is shifting into a teacher-student model.

   • How to Respond: Politely set boundaries and invite mutual curiosity. For example, "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’d love if we could explore these ideas together rather than feeling like I’m being taught."

5. Resentment for Changes in the Relationship: You may miss the old dynamic and feel grief for the person they used to be.

   • How to Respond: First, feel what you feel. Say hello to your grief and sweet talk it. If you need more, you could consider sharing your experience kindly. "I notice that things feel different between us lately, and I miss how we used to connect. Can we talk about that?"

To recap the above in a simpler 3-step, keep these in mind:

1. Be curious instead of defensive: If someone is weaponizing therapy or using loads of therapy-speak, resist the urge to counterattack. Respond with empathy and curiosity rather than defensiveness.  Lots of self-compassion is needed to avoid getting triggered.  Just be super syrupy sweet to your inside feelings and love on them a bit.

2. Mirror What You Notice: Gently name what you’re noticing. For example, “It feels like you’re trying really hard to stick to this framework and want me to join it too. How does it feel to you?”

3. Express Your Needs: If their behavior feels judgmental or dismissive, asserting your needs using the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model can be helpful. For example, "When I hear you say [specific observation], I feel [your feeling] because I need [your need]. Would you be willing to [specific request]?"

This approach fosters connection and mutual understanding. You might say something like, “When I hear you suggest I also take up some of your morning gratitude practices, I feel hurt and not fully seen because my needs for respect, mutual curiosity, and mutual celebration around my ways of healing are not being met. Would you be willing to ask me questions about how I like to grow and heal?”

4. Stay Compassionate: Remember, their rigidity often comes from their own fear or pain. Approach them with the same kindness you’d want for yourself. They aren't trying to be a self-righteous asshole.  They are your friend (or partner) after all.  You do your part in mutual healing by being compassionate and skillful in your communication and not become your own version of a self-righteous ass hat right back.

A Path to Vitality

Therapy and personal growth aren’t about memorizing the perfect script or winning at relationships. They’re about being human—messy, complicated, and alive. If 'therapy-speak' makes your relationships feel colder rather than warmer, it might be time to pause and ask yourself: Am I using this language to connect or protect? If you find yourself clinging too tightly to the rules, take a deep breath and remind yourself: The goal isn’t to master life. It’s to live it.