Why Do I Need So Much Validation and Reassurance? Making Friends With Our Need for Attention
Why I Wrote This Piece
I wrote this because I felt my attention-seeking morph from healthy to unhealthy after a hiatus from social media. Being playful, endlessly curious, and making growth fun by putting myself out is what I think I am here to do in this lifetime. But suddenly, I wasn’t having fun, and my curiosity turned from a treasure hunt to consuming knowledge for output. This happens every now and again: I catch a kind of attention-seeking flu—and I notice some of my clients catch similar influenzas. So, I did some sense-making work: I talked to colleagues, read extensively, chatted with ChatGPT, started experimenting with attention seeking by my “joke-of-the-week” on LinkedIn, and nerded out on my favorite psychological frameworks. Attention-seeking is too quickly equated with narcissism, but they aren’t the same, and if we make them the same, we miss the boat on getting healthy attention needs met in healthy ways.
Here is the big takeaway I want you to feel in your bones after reading this: attention-seeking and needing validation is healthy and necessary for human adults.
What I realize, after working with a lot of clients over the past twenty-one years: Many folks didn’t get their attention-seeking needs mirrored well enough when they were little (think pre-five). Instead of seeking attention as confident, whole adults, many of us may find ourselves seeking attention from younger parts of ourselves—parts longing to resolve these unrequited needs from the past. I call this a mirroring wound. It differs from full-blown narcissism because the person with a mirroring wound tends to have a more stable sense of self, is less panicked by not getting attention, and is reciprocal and generous in giving attention to others. But our culture often lumps mirroring wounds and narcissism together, which does us a disservice in our growth. We easily pathologize the healthy need for attention, which is sad and weird to me.
To use wine-tasting language: attention-seeking from an adult self that is confident, creative, self-compassionate, and self-possessed has a very different ‘mouthfeel’ than attention-seeking from younger parts of us that are desperate for validation, eager to please, and hungry for recognition.
After writing this piece, I realized something worth adding: anyone with a mirroring wound is likely to find social media especially difficult to navigate. Social media algorithms are like the neglectful, inconsistent, or shaming parent. You only get attention when you behave as the “algorithm parent” wants you to behave. If you step outside the algorithm’s rules or the expectations of the popular dogmas of the day, you’re either attacked or ignored altogether on social media. And heaven forbid you post too often, use too many hashtags, or be too subtle—you’ll be ignored altogether. Social media can become a surrogate for the neglectful, shaming, or narcissistic parent if we’re posting from our younger selves. I think I was attempting to give voice to this when I gave a TEDx on Neediness, but my ideas weren’t fully formed yet. Our needs for mirroring and validation make us real. It is why Sidewalk Talk - strangers sitting and offering that kind mirroring presence- is an antidote to this weird “neglectful parent” social media can become.
Image by Guilherme Stecanella, Unsplash
I even wonder if social media, which can act a lot like a harmful parent, creates mirroring wounds in otherwise healthy adults. Lots of research suggests social media makes us feel pretty awful across the board, and that’s not because we’re fragile. So, using social media in a non-wound-producing way requires the same skills as someone with a mirroring wound. So let’s think together, shall we?
What’s the invitation I am making here? Create and put yourself out there from your adult self—the part that craves healthy, adult mirroring—not from the desperate young self whose life depends on external validation. We can all inoculate ourselves from developing desperation when our attention-seeking needs aren’t met. Are you offering reassurance and attention to yourself first before seeking it from others? When you validate and nurture your younger parts regularly, say stuff like, "Sweetheart, I am so proud of you. Look at what you wrote. Let's bask in how good it feels that you wrote that." before I post stuff - it helps me stay centered and free of performing for validation. What is also super cool is that when you take the time to validate yourself or your younger parts like this, you transform the act of creation into one of freedom and authentic expression rather than desperation. From this intentional space, what you create becomes wholly your own—a self-possessed adult expressing themselves rather than a disempowered child seeking approval from the grown-ups. The world needs your expression and ideas, even if your social media parents don't celebrate.
Why Does Seeking Validation and Reassurance Feel So Cringey to Many?
There’s a developmentally normal part of us that wants to be seen, admired, and validated. Yet, for many of us, this part feels grotesque, shameful, or brutal to admit, so we mute ourselves or act out. Our need lives in our Shadow, the parts of ourselves we disown because they conflict with how we want to see ourselves or be seen. Why do we loathe this needy part? Perhaps because Western culture prizes self-sufficiency, humility, and stoic individualism. To need validation or reassurance is to risk looking weak, vain, or empty. Perhaps it is because our childhoods taught us that attention seeking was bad.
But here’s the truth: seeking attention, validation, and reassurance is not inherently bad. It’s developmentally normal and profoundly human. We all need to feel seen and valued. The suffering begins when this natural desire is harmed, distorted, or shamed—when we exile this part of ourselves. This fuels our loneliness epidemic. We lack a way to come into contact with this need in a healthy way. When trauma is involved, this harm can run deeper. Early relational wounds may leave us with a deep fear and vigilance that our needs are too much, leading us to disown or overcompensate for the desire to be noticed in ways that can be quite reactive and intense for others. The shame we carry isn't ours alone—it's a survival response to unmet emotional needs.
Western Culture Sends Mixes Messages About Attention-Seeking
Western culture creates a paradox: it celebrates attention-grabbing success (celebrity, influencers, “top performers”) while condemning the act of wanting attention or as narcissistic, vain, or weak. In his signature style, analyst Adam Phillips critiques this contradiction: “We are constantly told we shouldn’t care what people think while being measured by what people think.”
In a hyper-focused culture on individual achievement, seeking attention often becomes a performance: “I must be noticed for what I do because I don’t feel enough for who I am.” Social media amplifies this distortion, creating performative authenticity and comparison culture. Our longing for validation becomes less about connection and more about survival in a culture of scarcity and competition.
Yet paradoxically, Western culture also deprives us of spaces to genuinely be seen in a relational, loving way. What if this attention-seeking and longing to be noticed stems from a more profound desire to be held and part of a larger circle of belonging? For those carrying trauma, this “being seen” deprivation reinforces the sense that connection, validation, and reassurance must be earned or fought for. Does this make sense, what I am saying? The trauma of not being seen makes us try harder to be seen, but that trying harder confirms the earlier trauma that basic attention must be earned.
How to Use Social Media Without Harming Yourself
If you’ve noticed social media stoking your need for validation in unhealthy ways, try this:
Before you post, pause and ask yourself: Who is posting this? Is it my adult self sharing from joy, or a younger part longing to be seen by “mom and dad”? Is it a part of me feeling a sense of scarcity? Or is it a part of me taking pleasure in sharing and connecting?
Take time to validate and reassure that younger part internally: You are enough, even if no one likes this. I see you. I’m proud of you.
Reframe your relationship with social media: Use it as a tool for connection and creativity rather than as a measure of your worth.
Experiment with social media: Practice validating and celebrating yourself before you post and see how that feels. Or create a schedule for when you use social media so you don’t get sucked into using it for false validation. On Facebook and Instagram, I turn off my like counts so I don't see them and I don’t see other people’s feeds unless I am thinking about them and directly go to their feed. I am spending more time private messaging folks who say interesting stuff and engaging one-on-one without an agenda. Sometimes, if I want my writing recognized, I will share it with a few close friends and say, "Hey, I am proud of this one. I want an atta girl."
When you create from this intentional relational space, your posts become expressions of your self-possessed, adult self. You’re no longer at the mercy of algorithms mirroring the neglectful parent; instead, you’re creating for your own joy and expression.
The Normal Development of Seeking Attention, Validation, and Reassurance
I do think it is earth-shattering and kinda counter-culture to consider that attention-seeking, validation, and reassurance are normal and healthy. I had some life coach go at me on LinkedIn after my TEDx came out debating this with me. Snarky me: she is wrong I am right. In early childhood, seeking attention is how we build relationships. Babies cry, coo, and reach out because attention is not just survival—it is connection. As we grow, moments of being seen by caregivers validate our existence: I matter. I am loved. I belong. Healthy attention meets the child’s need to feel recognized as uniquely them and securely held. It’s an experience of “mirroring” (Kohut) that strengthens the core Self.
When attention-seeking goes well, we develop confidence and an ability to create for its own joy, not as a desperate plea for affirmation. Attention becomes a way of relating rather than proving.
For those who experience trauma, however—be it severe neglect, criticism, or unreliable care—the natural instinct to seek attention, validation, or reassurance can become fraught with anxiety or shame. A child may internalize that they are only worthy when they are quiet, perfect, or invisible, while another may learn to escalate their needs dramatically to get any form of response. These strategies can linger into adulthood, distorting how we relate to our need to be seen and valued. Some of this may become characterological and turn into full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
As my colleague Sadaf Vidha so beautifully described: "It is like hunger versus deprivation. One can feel the hunger and eat your food slowly and enjoy it—in deprivation, you feel time urgency, can’t think straight, and you must gulp your food in a desperate way, which could make you choke." When attention-seeking is harmed, it stops being a gentle hunger and becomes a frantic, desperate need for survival. This is not a failure of the person; it is a reflection of unmet emotional nourishment. In addition, we are not getting enough emotional nourishment, and social media is just not nourishing. A friend calls social media “Fast-Food Relating”. I love that.
When Seeking Validation Was Harmed: The Suffering It Creates
If, in childhood, seeking attention or reassurance led to shaming, neglect, or criticism, we may learn:
That wanting to be seen is shameful.
That we must perform or overachieve to earn love.
That we are unworthy of any attention or validation.
These messages fracture our relationship with this part of ourselves. Instead of joyfully expressing our need for connection, our attention-seeking leaks out in ways that may create suffering:
Over-performance: We tie our worth to achievement.
Excessive validation-seeking: Social media likes or praise become stand-ins for love.
Self-sabotage: If we feel undeserving, we may unconsciously act out for negative attention.
Judging others: We project our Shadow onto others, finding their attention-seeking repulsive because it mirrors our disowned parts.
For those with trauma histories, this suffering can feel amplified. Seeking reassurance and validation may emerge as survival strategies rooted in deep emotional wounds. If love, safety, or acknowledgment were unpredictable or withheld, the nervous system remains hypervigilant to rejection—driving us to seek external validation or fearfully retreat from being seen altogether. I see so many folks posting on social media from their trauma. The algorithms reward desperate, violent, and harmful language. Oddly, social media becomes a platform for perpetuating some trauma. Terry Real says, "We get louder when we don't feel heard." Social media never hears us or mirrors us legitimately.
And yet, when we put this natural longing for attention and mirroring into shadow and try to ignore it, it festers. Jung reminds us that what we repress doesn’t disappear—it acts out indirectly, often causing us and others harm.
Attention-Seeking Is a Signal To You That You Want to Matter, Connect, and Be Seen
Your attention-seeking part is not a problem to be fixed. It is a signal: I want to matter. I want to connect. I want to be seen. By bringing this part out of the shadow—with compassion, curiosity, and care—you liberate it from shame. You transform it into a bridge back to yourself and to others. It is the reason why I had a eureka moment last week. I am going to start doing a "Joke of the Week" every Monday in 2025 on LinkedIn. To be silly for its own sake and to be utterly useless but to play, to connect and be seen. You can find me on LinkedIn here for potty humor useless jokes.
Adam Phillips reminds us that attention, at its best, is relational: “The way we give and receive attention tells us who we are and what we value.” By honoring this part of you, you may discover that wanting validation, reassurance, and to be seen is not grotesque—it’s the beginning of a deeper, richer belonging to yourself and to the world in a whole new way.